I mean I think one friendship that suffered was probably ill-fated anyway. But one non-sexual friendship suffered. This particular friendship suffered because my friend was very distressed that I had left it a month to tell him. That I hadn't shared. Which I can understand actually. That I hadn't shared my initial shock, horror, numbness, whatever, with him. And hadn't felt that I'd been able to pick up the phone. Maybe that he hadn't been the one that I'd told on that first day. And got to come down with me. And meet me. And take me out afterwards and whatever. So… But That actually was very difficult to… The, the sort of… I suppose, in a way… I mean retrospectively the acknowledgement that that friendship may not have been all I thought it was anyway.

I mean I think for the first time in certainly a year, and probably a little bit… possibly a little bit longer, possibly, I really viscerally felt… sad at my diagnosis. And then got over that. I let out a lot of feelings, I suppose, that I hadn't let out. And that enabled me to move on a little bit. You know, to, to acceptance. 

So I think I'd got stuck in this sort of knuckle down, all hands on deck, sort of thing. And then counselling helped me to sort out priorities in terms of what I wanted at that moment. What I wanted out of life in the future, what I want out of life in general… And the thing that changed it was this thing. But that was… That, and the sort of feeling issue and the direction. 

And the sort of coming out issues from childhood. And the sort of self-confidence issues from growing up. And sort of, sort of repressed anger.

The first response wasn't to go, 'Oh my God, argh!' It was to say, 'Well, at least I'm a, a white gay middle class man in a developed country.' You know, that really was… I think the second year of my diagnosis was really then thinking about feelings. And I think a pattern in life had been to over-rationalise… As a, as a sort of coping mechanism, maybe. 

And also just because, that's the way I am. But the second year was much more about connecting with my feelings about me, anyway generally. And my feelings about life.

But also about HIV diagnosis. And sort of actually… Rather than just saying, 'Oh well, shit happens. And it's… You know, it is shit, but I'll get this, this, this and this out of it.' And I've rationalised, rationalised, rationalised. Just thinking… Actually, for the first time since telling a couple of very close friends, sort of getting, yes, a bit upset about it. And a bit angry about it.

But actually, to be perfectly frank, it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea. And I know from speaking to a couple of people who'd been and not gone back that it isn't everyone's cup of tea. Because it's sometimes so fucking miserable. But I mean actually what that group did to me was it made me think thank fuck. You know, there's so many people worse off than me. 

It wasn't the place to be when I was needing to sit down with somebody one-on-one. Because I didn't feel, at the time, I couldn't get a word in edgeways. And I was a new member of a group. There were some quite opinionated people there. But actually for various reasons I just think… I'm not sure whether it's the sort of… I think it's the sort of place to go when you're sort of feeling very neutral… 

Because if you're feeling too sad it can drag you down. Unless you really have to get something off you chest. And if you're feeling too happy, why put yourself through the misery of people sort of saying, 'Oh God, I can't believe…' You know, because you… It can be quite demanding sometimes. When people use a forum that, you know… to really vent their personal, personal, personal grief, angst. And that's what it's… of course what it's there for.

I mean when you think retrospectively, well I thought I was a balanced gay guy. But there I was being fucked without a condom in a sauna by somebody I'd just met. And, well, it's hardly balanced… You know, it's hardly the sort of thing that I would… if you'd asked me, I would have, have… have said that I did. And yet there I was doing it. 

So there was something going wrong in life in general. And that was to do with, I think all these sort of different things that I've been able to… sort out, to some extent. Or acknowledge, simply acknowledge… The mind boggles as to what was going through my mind at that particular instance… 

Heaven knows what was going through my mind at that particular point. That I assume I acquired HIV. But I mean in general terms, just not looking after myself. Working too hard. You know, I think having become a little bit of an automaton.

Everyone's different. Don't expect to find the answer on this website. But it might give you some clues. I think that'd be my advice. Because I mean I think I… I mean certainly don't expect that you will feel sad for 2 weeks, then… throw yourself into work. And then come to terms with things. And then sort out your shit. And then be back on your feet again. 

Whatever… I mean don't think that your experience is going to be the same as that person's, that person's, that person's… The only bad reaction would be to say, 'Oh my God.' And throw yourself off a bridge. Because then you've got no chance of doing anything after that. You know, that's the only bad reaction, in a way. Which some people do. But just keep with it. And… it won't be the best thing that's ever happened to you. But it could have some surprising results… definitely.