I feel guilty. I think that's probably a part of depression. That's, guilt is something that - and I think it's probably because of my upbringing as well, because guilt was something that my mum used quite often to manipulate things wherever she could, and I think she still uses it. Not to the extent that she used to, but she still does use that. So I think that feeling guilty for no reason comes from that. And it's, it's a really pathetic feeling, but I even know that I'm feeling guilty without any reason, but I can't help it. So that's... you know what I mean? Like if you know what the problem is and you can't solve it, then you feel helpless, and when you feel helpless then, you know, you feel helpless. You feel more and more down. You feel like you can't do anything about it, so how do I solve it?
So the eventual solution that you think in your head is, “All right, so kill yourself or something.” But I haven't actually attempted it, ever. I've always thought about it and suicide always gives me a sort of relieving feeling. It's like when I hit the pit and I'm thinking, like, “What the hell should I do?” and my mind is basic, my mind just starts killing myself. And at that point, I think, I think to myself, “Okay, if worse come to worse happens and I can't do absolutely anything, then I'll kill myself. But am I ready to do that?” And then my, I sort of start thinking, “No, I'll give it another shot. Maybe next night.” And that sort of lifts me up, actually, in a funny way. It's, suicide is like I use it as a counter-suicide mechanism [laughs], if you will. |
