You know, I can actually see that there might be a third way, of me moving forward in life, but it's been a very long process. I didn't imagine that two and a half years later I would still be having weekly therapy, to get better. It is, but it's scary, if you're used to living in a very constrained band in your life, then the actual idea that you can take charge of your life... The bigger world is very scary. I think it's something to do with when you live with depression the way that I have, you are limiting your life. You don't necessarily know why you are limiting your life, but through your thought processes and the way you are as a person, you concentrate on surviving life.
You know, you're getting through life but you don't necessarily get any pleasure from it. There may be the odd day here and there that are great, but you're surviving, and you don't really have any sense of why you are doing that. But if I choose to live differently, if I choose to, and can, set aside the depression, and think, right, I'm going to live life as other people seem to live it, that's really scary because that's been so much part of my life. And to actually live life without worrying every minute about what's going to happen next, about what people think of me, about what, am I doing a good enough job, you know to actually take life as it is, and to take knocks on the chin, and you know, dust myself off, and not worry about it, it's just a completely different way of living. And it's scary because I've never done that before, and I clearly need a lot of help to get to that point. But I do know that I want to live life and be more happy, and be more settled, and have a point to my life, you know, have a purpose, other than just getting through it. |
