I have to be honest and say that I don't remember. I know that generally speaking my GP was very good, was very calming, explained everything to me several times, was very reassuring but I can't remember any of what he said hardly, apart from the fact you've got diabetes. You know. I just… I think looking back I was actually in shock.
Because of my chronic pain, I think as a defence mechanism to that, I had convinced myself, irrationally but I had, that I would never have that kind of illness. I was going to live forever. You know, yes I'm going to have sore joints, but I'm going to live forever. And to all of a sudden to feel very mortal and very vulnerable. This was worse than [when] I went through a divorce a few years ago - which was unexpected - this was worse, far, far, far worse. This is… I don't think I've ever felt so bad as that day.
What was it about the diagnosis that that upset you to that extent? Can you just explain?
Just the fact that I'm mortal. You know, if I'm honest. I just never expected to have anything like that. It's not going to it's not that it's not going to happen to me, I just never expected it. I always knew that I was going to have pain and that I've got orthopaedic problems, and probably have to have my knees and my hips replaced and, yeah okay, that's fine, you know it's, it's just stuff that you're going to see the doctors and the surgeons and they sort it out for you and you get, you know, you use your walking sticks or your wheelchair or whatever and you just get on with life.
This is totally different. This is my body not working properly inside and it's going to be like that for the rest of my life. All of a sudden I've gone from just having pain to I've got… I'm hypertensive badly. I'm 200 and something over 100 and something. I've got high cholesterol, and I've got diabetes which is sort of 17 or 18 or some huge enormous figure, when I'm supposed to be down in the 3s… And it can't be cured.