Oh gosh, again [I'm] physically, mentally, emotionally completely consumed by it. I have been depressed. I have got to the point where I thought I can’t cope with this any longer when he is at his worst physically, he cut me, bruised me, held a knife to me, that little boy that you saw, you know it doesn’t seem possible but he did. He tried to get out of a car while it was moving. He has been out on the road. He has tried to jump out of his window. All this and no sleep and I have to say that up until April last year I worked full time as well, so I shared the care with my mum which you know bless her she has played a big part because he has been out of school so much. I was at the doctor's, I had antidepressants, I take sleeping pills. I was actually made redundant from work last year which although I was devastated at first turned out to be a blessing in disguise because I then felt able to make the decision to remove him from school totally. But I do just feel I have had years of no sleep, lots of stress, lots of tears, just desperate feelings, you know, feeling on the edge, feeling like you can’t carry on, can’t live with him, but can’t live without him, you know. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? And I feel in a much, much better place now he is out of school I must say.
But the last little while, while he was at school I just couldn’t go to sleep at night. I was worrying about the next day and predictably he’d wake up and wouldn’t want to go school and just the thought of phoning the school every day made me feel sick. I worried so much and my whole life has been meetings for the last five years, six years, constant meetings. Meetings - why isn’t he in school? Why isn’t he going to school, just endless questions and pressure I feel all targeted at me, it has been so, so hard and really with no support.