And that's how it still is, you know, there's still something missing, but not to the point where you can't live, you know. I do, I have a wonderful life, I really enjoy life but there's always going to be something missing I think. But when I was about 4 months, when she was about 4 months old, I remember sitting there crying and thinking, you know, “This just isn't right”. I didn't think I was depressed at all, I just thought I was very very sad.
And I rang ARC, (Antenatal Results and Choices now - they were SATFA at the time, which is Support Around Termination For Abnormality), and I'd had a little bit of dealings with them in my work, only really referring people onto them. And I remember phoning up and saying, “I just don't know what's wrong with me but I'm just desperately sad”. And I told them why. And it was like this 'light-bulb moment' and this woman said to me, “Well, you've lost a baby”. And she was so matter-of-fact and she said, “How do you expect to feel?” And I thought, “Oh, you're right”. And it was almost somebody gave me permission to be sad and to grieve. And I don't think anyone had done that before, or I don't think I'd allowed anyone to do that maybe. I was, I'm very much a coper, and I was very much, “Right, you know, this has happened. I've just got to sort it”. And it was, it was very, it was a very good moment, to kind of think, “Okay, I'm allowed now”. |
