When we went to the counsellor down in the specialist hospital, and we found out that our chances of having another child with this condition were fairly small, we decided that we would like to [have another baby]. Because when you lose a baby it's kind of also losing your hopes for the future. And we had very strong views about, that we would really like to have another baby.
And I felt it was something that I wanted to do very soon. And we were very lucky and I fell pregnant very quickly, but also knowing that I was during that year grieving for the loss of my second baby. I was scared to enjoy having this pregnancy though. And because of [the baby's] condition we went for a scan very early on at 15 weeks and they were able at that point to tell us whether this baby's heart was okay.
And of course it was a highly emotional time, because it brings back all the fears, all the worries, just going to the same place, same room, same person scanning, all the emotions. It was a very, very emotional time.
Again the cardiologist said that, you know, he wouldn't be talking much and to lay still. And I can remember at that point I had my locket with [the baby's] picture in it and just holding on, and, and just kind of looking at the ceiling and just hoping and praying that everything would be okay. And I can, can remember him saying, “Oh, yes, everything looks fine”. And I think I just stood up and dissolved in floods of tears and the poor man was thinking, “Well, I've given her good news this time”.
So we went away knowing that this baby's heart was okay which was a big relief. But we were still very scared - we had other tests to go through - we still had to go back to see the cardiologist at 24 weeks for a more detailed scan. Everything was coming back fine, but you're just on tenterhooks until the day we'd got that little baby in our arms.
And it was great, once she'd got here, but you also felt a bit cheated that you weren't allowed, or you didn't allow yourself to enjoy that pregnancy, because it was very, an emotional time from grieving for our baby, but also the worries of this baby being okay and kind of not believing it until you see it.
|