After about three months, I remember it was, it was Christmas Day, Boxing Day I felt my milk supply was going.
Why, what made you think that?
Because he was on, actually it was about a week or so before, as he was about three months old and I used to express every evening a bottle for him.
Why?
So that my husband could feed baby or if we wanted to go out my mother-in-law, father-in-law could feed baby and look after baby so every night I'd express a bottle for the next night which gave me a bit of space and I remember one night and I was struggling to express two ounces whereas previously I'd be able to express six or seven ounces and that to my mind I thought, “Ok something's not quite right” contacted the health visitor and they were like saying, “Oh well it's just probably the baby is feeding a lot more during the day and you've not got as much milk during the night, but carry on and your milk supply will come back” I remember persevering for about three weeks and I couldn't express more than, it was a struggle to express more than two ounces at a time and I remember over the Christmas period because I remember it being the four days bank holiday and not having anyone really to speak to Shivam was on my breast every hour nearly and he was gnawing at the breast as such because he, you knew he wasn't getting enough I remember digging out all my leaflets that I'd got from the hospital and my own personal leaflets, getting all the telephone numbers out and ringing people and everyone saying to me, “Just carry on as normal, it's fine your milk supply will come back” I think I persevered for another four weeks after that and nothing changed and then eventually I bought formula.
Do you have any sense of why that happened?
No.
How did you explain that to yourself? How do you explain it now?
I was distraught I, well at first I thought, that baby didn't want to be fed but then from speaking to other people 'cause he was actually pulling at the breast and gnawing at the breast it was as if, well no he does actually want to be fed I felt like a failure it was horrible 'cause he was just about four weeks, four months stage when I bought my first packet of formula milk for him and all my friends around me had breastfed for so much longer and I thought I really wanted to breastfeed longer and there is nothing. I'd not planned to go back to work for a long time I was going to take the full twelve months maternity, there is no reason for me to stop breastfeeding but it felt as if I had to so I was I was very upset and buying that first packet of formula and giving that first bottle was horrible, I didn't enjoy it at all but he took it fine and he was very happy which kind of made me feel better and the stress went as well but at least he's fed but I wasn't happy about it.
Where do you think that feeling of feeling a failure came from?
As soon as you fall pregnant you start getting leaflets about breastfeeding that it's the best thing you can do for your child and not doing it felt to me not doing breastfeeding was becoming a failure and knowing that friends around me had breastfed for longer it meant that I wasn't reaching the benchmark of what everybody else had done I mean that's what hurt, but it's everywhere as soon as you go into hospital there's leaflets and posters up about breastfeeding and, “breast is best” everywhere so if you don't do it you are deemed as a failure, that's what I thought anyway.
Did that come from yourself no did anybody point the figure at you?
No, not at all.
So it was totally internal yeah.
I mean my mother-in-law hadn't breastfed either of her children purely for the culture, I mean both children were born here but in the environment she was in and the culture at the time, it was like well bottle is easier, I mean this is a good thirty years ago and breastfeeding wasn't so hot a topic as it is now and for her right from the beginning she was, “Well don't worry” and there was a lot of support there but no nobody said to me, “But you're a failure or” [laughs] or used those such words, it was just myself.
You still regret it, don't you?
Yeah, very much so.
What about your milk at that stage? Did you have, did it build up, Did your breasts become full?
No, it stopped, straight away really which is another reason why, being a health professional myself and speaking to other health it's always of the milk supply, is supply and demand if baby is feeding the milk will continue I really believe that my milk supply stopped my mum said it happened to her and that's why she stopped breastfeeding all three of us but there was nothing I could do, I couldn't express more, I couldn't get baby on more but my milk wasn't coming through. I knew it wasn't coming through and when I, from the, last time I fed my child, my eldest child I don't even remember breasts getting full even for the first day which was what I was expecting would happen but it never happened which made me even more inclined to think no I didn't have a milk supply by that point so I wasn't uncomfortable at all, it just stopped.
Yeah and the second time I feel I'm going through the same phase again because I'm coming up to three and a half months with this baby and I feel as if I'm getting the same signs again, of not enough milk supply but I'm trying to persevere a little bit longer just in case I was wrong the first time around and I need to get baby latched on a little bit more to get more of milk supply coming through I'll give it another week.
Have you got anybody to talk to?
Friends and family and the health visitor's very good in our area as well, but apart from that and I've got all the numbers as well the La Leche League and various other ones.
Is there a lactation consultant in the area or a breastfeeding clinic?
Not that I know of. Not that I know of.
Right. So you feel as though your milk supply is going?
Yes.
You're trying to get the baby latched on as much as you can?
I am, yes.
Right and you're convinced that he's latched on properly?
Yes, I think so [laughs].
Are you feeding at night?
He wakes up once at night so I do feed during the night and that's one time that he actually feeds very well and during the day he seems miserable when he's attached to the breast now and that's what makes me think that he's not getting enough and he's not sleeping as well during the day as he used to.
Remember with your first baby you found lying down to feed was good for you?
Yes.
Have you tried that?
I do but, I'm just getting the same results during the day, even though I know I'm more relaxed but I am more, I think I'm more relaxed second time around than I was the first time and I think that's natural 'cause you think you know what you're doing the second time around and I'm trying to make sure that I am more relaxed so that 'cause I want to persevere with my breastfeeding longer, so I was hoping 'cause I didn't first time breastfeed for that long, the first time around I'd be able to do it the second time around so I'm even more determined as such but then I know the stress I also went through of making the decision of stopping breastfeeding and going on to formula, I don't want to put myself through that again because once, because the main concern for me as a mother is that my child is fed, and if that's through formula then so be it as long as baby is happy and I think I've stretched out that period of time for too long the first time round, made myself miserable about it, constantly thinking has he had enough, has he had enough? But when I put baby onto formula, and he drank the whole bottle, the relief that I felt was enormous it's just a whole weight off my shoulders oh gosh baby's fed it's okay. I don't want to go through that this time round so, it might be pessimistic saying, “Oh it might be just another week that I breastfeed for” but I don't want to go through all that stress again.
What's happening to his weight?
Weight gain is fine.
It doesn't add up, does it?
No [laughs]. Weight gain was fine last time around as well I don't know.
It seems to me like your babies have a fussy period at about three, three and a half months.
The symptoms are exactly the same this time around as they were last time. My only problem this time is that baby won't take a bottle in the normal conventional way of holding him, he'll really fuss and cry before he actually accepts a bottle now at which I've tried him a couple of times and whereas my first baby he wasn't bothered at all, giving him a bottle and he was happy giving him the breast he was ok.
So what are you going to do?
I've no idea.
Have you tried feeding through a cup?
A health visitor suggested it, I remember trying that with, I had well I had a first I think first time round you have lots of problems Shivam stopped feeding from a bottle as well in the end first time around, he stopped breastfeeding at about three and a half, four months and he took a bottle for about two weeks after that period and then after that he wouldn't take a bottle either which was the reason why I started weaning him 'cause the health visitor said to me that perhaps that he's ready for food now and doesn't want to drink milk so I started weaning him. I think he was about twenty twenty-one weeks so I couldn't wait for the six months period and since then up until he was probably about eight or nine months old, getting one bottle down him was a struggle and the only time he would take that bottle would be when he was asleep so I'd sleep feed him whenever I could, I'd go on journeys in the car with my husband so I could just feed him in the car so I didn't want to get to that stage again with this baby, but he won't take a bottle altogether at the moment so I might try a cup, but I tried going back to what you asked originally I tried a cup with the first baby and, it was a nightmare and I'm not really keen on starting that off again, I tried a cup, I tried a spoon and he just didn't like the taste of milk so I'm hoping, hoping the second baby is not like that. |
