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She listened to all of the advice and then did what suited her and her baby. Sometimes she woke the baby, sometimes she let him sleep.
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In the end I ended up doing what I wanted to do mix match of everything that everybody had told me and then just getting on with it because nothing seemed to be working so I couldn't get any worse well I didn't think I could get any worse and things did seem to be getting better after ten days so I just carried doing what I was doing and lying down when breastfeeding and it worked in the end. Not my best of memories.
What was happening to the baby's weight at this stage?
The baby was putting weight on fine, very well he was a good weight to start off with anyway he was his weight was very well.
So he was getting the milk obviously?
Yes, yeah.
It just wasn't suiting you the way he was getting it?
No, he I mean for a breastfed baby he was doing very well he was feeding every four hours he'd sleep for four hours and at six weeks he was sleeping through so as a breastfed baby he did very well so and his weight gain is fine.
So he put himself on a four hourly schedule?
Yeah. I mean, yeah, again because of conflicting advice or different advice from different midwives some midwives were saying to me, “Well you must wake him up to feed him after every four hours”. Some were saying, “Well if he's asleep he's happy and content leave him asleep,” and in the end I resorted in doing a mix match again of both some days I'd wake him up after four hours to feed and then sometimes I just let him be. |
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She thinks that consistent advice and continuity of care would mean one less stressful burden for women to think about around the time of their baby's birth.
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Is there anything you'd like to say to health professionals?
Consistent advice would be great, I know it's hard but if everyone was singing from the same hymn sheet it would make a world of difference to a lot of mothers, that's what I feel. Having my midwife on holiday during my first pregnancy, disadvantage that I didn't get one person to look after me for my first ten days, advantage I saw five different midwives I think in that period of time, who gave me different techniques of breastfeeding, but the disadvantage was that I never got the same information each time, very confusing, there should be something out there to say I don't know [laughs] some leaflet that as a pharmacist in their store could keep or would be given out in the Bounty packs consistency of advice that's so important because it is confusing as it is being a new mum. I mean breastfeeding is probably just one of the parts there's everything else to do. I remember when my first baby was born just looking at him and thinking, “It's been about ten hours, I should change his nappy now, I haven't got a clue how to?” And just carried on looking at him and waited till the midwife came around and said, “Could you give me a hand? What should I do? Should I get water? Should I use wipes?” I never even thought about those things before baby was born, it was just one thing you just thought you got on with and did but I was just terrified of doing my first nappy, so there are a hundred and one things going round, if the advice about breastfeeding was the same from everybody it'd make it'd be one less burden or one less stressful thing you wouldn't have to think about, that would be the best thing. |
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As a pharmacist her training focused on infant formula but all knowledge “went out of the window” when she became a mother and she relied on her instincts and other professionals.
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Does being a pharmacist, has being a pharmacist made any difference to breastfeeding?
No.
Did you learn anything about breastfeeding in your pharmacy training?
I learnt the basic as in it's best for baby, that's the advice that should be given. I remember learning more about formula milks as a pharmacist a whole training package, which milk when kind of thing but being a pharmacist went out of the window when I gave birth. It meant nothing, I don't think I trusted my instincts as being a pharmacist for the first for my first child I remember ringing colleague pharmacists one who's which is a best friend of mine just double confirming, “I can give Calpol, can't I?” just wanting the reassurance what I was doing was okay second time round I have to say I am a lot more confident I know things are ok I'm not so hesitant about doing anything as much as I was first time round but being a pharmacist went out of the window [laughs] it didn't mean anything. |
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Her cracked and bleeding nipples were so painful that she dreaded feeding her baby. She got a lot of differing advice. Her nipples were not so bad with her second baby.
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No I was I came home I stayed only a night at the hospital and came home on the fourth day it was terrible my nipples were cracked bleeding very upset hormones obviously had kicked in as well and I remember walking out of the shower in floods of tears, husband walking in saying, “What's wrong?” and it was a pure fear of baby waking up having to feed baby 'cause it hurt so much and I never ever thought that breastfeeding would be like that, none of my friends had said it, my sister-in-law hadn't mentioned it and but when I spoke to them about it during this really problematic period it was like, “Well yes breastfeeding does hurt,” it was like, “we didn't talk to you about it before 'cause you weren't going through it, there was no need to discuss it with you because you couldn't give us any of your experience so we talked to people who had already breastfed so that's why and you didn't know about it”, and it was a shock a real shock.
Do you have any sense of why that happened?
As in the pain?
Why you ended up with sore nipples, were they cracked, your nipples? Do you know why?
Yeah the midwife just said, “It's just one of those things 'cause the midwife in this area visits everyday for the first ten days unfortunately I didn't see the same midwife very frequently because she, because my midwife was actually on holiday so I was seeing relief staff which was good in one way because I got the opinions of lots of different midwives of what I should be doing, all of them checked my technique because they said it was most likely your technique that's not correct.
Okay. So then you came home and carried on for a couple of days, things seemed fine?
Yes, things were fine until the fourth day which is when things became very painful I started to ask friends who were coming over, “Am I doing this correctly?” Asked the midwife, “Am I doing this correctly?” lots of advice and different ways of holding baby, but nothing really worked it was very, very painful to the point where every time I wanted to feed I'd ask my husband to come in to hold my hand while the first few sucks because they were the worst get the first few sucks out of the way get the first few tears out of the way and then he could go, once he was latched on and started drinking it was okay but that lasted for a for a good two weeks, it was awful.
And you tried lots of different positions?
Yeah I think every single position, the best one that worked for me in the end was lying down and I think that was more for the fact of one of my cousins coming over saying, “You'll be relaxed it's a lot easier”, and also we've got a wrought iron bed so I could hold on to something [laughs] for the first few sucks I think that was why I enjoyed that position the most and it also meant that I could go upstairs and say, “I want to lie down and feed and not get upset or embarrassed in front of anybody else” but resulted in my best position which I then carried on for a good month or month and a half.
Did you do anything else for those nipples?
I bought several creams ones that I would have recommended to other people they were fine but I don't think they really helped that much but the belief I bought creams I bought nipple protectors.
Do you mean nipple shields?
Nipple shields yes.
Mmm.
I just couldn't get the hang of using them and by the time you start to try to put them on baby would be crying because they cry when they were hungry that's when you think about putting them on and then it was just too much of a faff, very difficult to apply and put on and stay on used them three times and, in the bin.
Mmm throw them away.
Yes, throw them away.
So you just persevered?
Yes.
Through this pain?
Yes. Because I knew it was the best thing I could offer my child and, everybody around me had breastfed for so long I was determined, and everyone kept on saying to me, “If you can get through the first week, you'll be fine”, so I did and it was getting better and I think that's what gave me hope but the worst thing was the conflicting advice about always start on the worst nipple first and then someone would say, “No, no start on the other one”, things like that really weren't helpful but there was no of the more midwives I knew not one of them gave me consistent advice.
And the beginning of breastfeeding that time round, what was your experience second time round?
Second time around, the fear was already there because I knew how hard it was first time round a good friend of mine who'd just had her second baby, and she'd stopped breastfeeding after four or five days the second time round whereas she'd breastfed for about six months first time around, and I felt I'd probably do the same, from reasons I said before I didn't want to go through the stress of thinking oh gosh formula, breastmilk but I still that's what I thought but I also had it in me that or may be it would be really nice to breastfeed a little bit longer the second baby but the fear was already there, I thought, “Okay cracked sore nipples, pain”, all that. I didn't really want to go through that again, I'd bought all my creams, antiseptic nipple sprays nipple protect, nipple shields again, before baby was born, just in case, baby latched on as soon as baby was born which was great and I was really careful to make sure baby was latched on properly, trying to do all those things to avoid the sore and cracked nipples, however, this time around, the pain started I think after the second day, it was horrendous, all over again.
Did you feel incredibly let down?
Yes [laughs] I just thought it was, I must be doing something so wrong for it to happen all over again I was at a different hospital this time round, there was a little bit more care, a little bit more advice but they couldn't give me any more advice on what I was doing because they thought what I was doing was right all my own midwife kept on saying to me was, “Well if they've got sore quicker, just go on the fact they'll get better quicker as well”, that was the only thing, the only help and advice that she actually gave me, and I remember getting out my little red book, the children, child record book from the first time round and looking at all the dates and all the times I had spoken to a midwife and all, seeing the chronological order of what happened when and how long it all lasted, and there's a note on there on day fifteen I think, from the health visitor that breasts seem to be getting better, and that was on my mind, “Right I've got fifteen days to get through and it'd all be ok”, but as I say, the breasts got really sore very quickly but they did actually heal very quickly as well, by the fifth or sixth day I was fine, I was so relieved.
What did that do for your confidence?
Oh it boosted it so much, I was so, so happy it did worry, it did concern me at first that, “Oh they've got cracked quicker is it going to be worse this time round”, but when they started to get better quicker, I was like, “I can do this, this will be fine second time round”. But help and advice I don't think whether it's just this area or whether it's very busy, or resources all over again I don't know, but I probably got more help and advice again from friends and family and my knowledge from first time around. |
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Her mother-in-law was supportive even though she had not breastfed herself. She talked about the Indian traditions surrounding the birth of a baby, particularly the mother's diet.
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I mean my mother-in-law hadn't breastfed either of her children purely for the culture I mean both children were born here but in the environment she was in and the culture at the time it was like well bottle is easier I mean this is a good thirty years ago and breastfeeding wasn't so hot a topic as it is now and for her right from the beginning she was, “Well don't worry” and there was a lot of support there but no nobody said to me, “But you're a failure or” [laughs] or used those such words, it was just myself.
This notion of expressing so that your husband could give the baby a bottle, where did that come from?
Just from, just I think it was just a personal choice knowing it was available to do and the personal choice that it'd be contact time for my husband or for mother-in-law or father-in-law to have that time with baby just to keep breastfeeding longer, more than anything else, not that we didn't have a huge social life as such beforehand but it gave you a bit of a break, of knowing that yes I can go out and have dinner and watch a film or go out for a whole evening to somebody else's house and not have to go upstairs to breastfeed and miss out on what everything is going on downstairs, knowing that you had the opportunity to take a bottle with you but it was still breastmilk.
So if you had gone out in the evening to friends and taken the baby…
Yeah.
…you would have had to go to another room to feed?
Yeah.
Why?
I wouldn't have felt comfortable breastfeeding in front of other males except for my husband in our country culture it wouldn't be deemed acceptable, not at all and I wouldn't feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of say my brother or close male friends that I have or my father.
Even in your own home?
Yes.
You won't breastfeed in front of your father?
No.
Or close male relatives?
No.
So you go out of the room?
Or they go out of the room. We have separate lounges anyway so it was never a huge issue at home I mean I have my brother-in-law who lives here as well and as soon as it would be time for breastfeed I'd either go nip into the other room or they would say, “Do you want us to go?” so it wasn't, it wasn't an issue but there was no way I was going to breastfeed I didn't feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of other males.
But in front of women relatives it was fine?
Yeah, that was fine yeah totally fine, yeah.
During breastfeeding, whether it's traditional it's not quite the right word we have a very strict diet during breastfeeding it might be what you'd say an acquired taste [laughs] first few days it's very, very, very bland foods.
Such as?
Oh actually the first five days it was just a mixture of finely ground nuts made in milk, a spoonful of that in milk and that was the diet for the first five days nothing else.
Why do you think this is, what's the reasoning behind that?
It depends who you speak to, I think the only reason that I can go with would be something simple, I think my mother-in-law tried to explain is that everything has just moved around inside, it has just dropped back into place which is correct yes, you don't want anything that's going to disturb everything inside at the moment, just take simple bland foods it's not going to cause constipation it's not going to cause diarrhoea and it will help with breastfeeding, and anything that would help with breastfeeding I just took that advice and just went with it then after that just very bland foods no spices nothing that would cause wind and so none of the beans or anything like that, kidney beans, everything like that I would have totally ruled out not too much flour in the diet as well lentils was something that was made every single day, so lentil soup, not drinking cold water, had to be lukewarm.
Why?
I don't know [laughs] I don't know, I was just told not to have anything cold, everything had to be lukewarm, at room temperature or body temperature was the best I think the belief that it would cause the baby a cold I think this is where being a pharmacist and being Indian kind of always conflict and I always try and ask why but when your mother or your mother-in-law says, “Well this is what's been done in generations and my grandma did it and my grandma's grandma did it and this is what we are going to give you for the first six weeks after your pregnancy, you just go kind of go along with it.
You don't argue.
You don't argue, not with your mum and your mother-in-law, no [laughs] and I'd have to say I mean one midwife said to me, they make a mixture of, all seven different kinds of nuts, lots of sugar in it lots of butter in it and it's something that they encourage you to do three or four times a day and I remember my midwife saying to me a couple of days before I actually gave birth to my first child she was, “Oh you should eat that stuff that you guys make” I was like, “what stuff?” she was, “well you know the nuts and things” I was like, “why?” she goes, “well in my experience when I have been around mothers who have eaten this food and have breastfed their babies seem to settle for longer” and I remember her saying it and I remember [son] sleeping the four or five hours after being breastfed and I was convinced that it must be what I'm eating and I continued with it whilst I was breastfeeding and I have done this time around as well, because I've spoken to other mothers who've said, “Oh, two hours they'd have to feed” and I didn't have that with the first baby so it's something I actually did stick to, no orange juice, nothing sour.
No orange juice?
No, nothing sour and lots of milk.
Cow's milk?
Yeah.
Do you think that this nut mixture is a good milk food then it's to build your milk supply?
I think so yeah.
Yeah.
I mean there's all sorts in there, I mean I wouldn't have a clue of how to make it I mean they make huge a batch that lasts for about two months, it's a real mission I think it's more of an occasion as well both mums got together and spent a whole day making it and there's things like fennel seeds in there as well which I believe is supposed to help with your milk supply as well because I remember my mum first time around, boiling the fennel seeds in the milk, and she says, “Oh it will help your milk supply come in quicker” and it did well it came through very quickly.
How quickly?
Second day, there was I was the colostrum had gone and the milk started to come through and it did the second time around as well so when I've because I try and check things on the internet as well or in my own resource books of whatever they've told me and whatever things they've put into their mixtures ok how much truth is there or how much, is just old wives' tales as such but the fennel seeds I do know and even now at night mother-in-law makes me a glass of milk with fennel seeds boiled in it to make sure she is, “Oh it will keep your milk supply coming don't worry”. Which is good.
What about the colostrum? Are there any cultural understandings of that? Whether it should or shouldn't be fed to the baby?
No, I've not had anything like that.
No problems so you just feed from day one and…
Yes.
…keep feeding?
Yeah.
Any special foods for the baby or anything like that?
Before baby feeds they're supposed to have a taste of honey.
Is this right from a young age?
As soon as they are born so, before they even had their first feed from mother, they are supposed to have just the tiniest dot of honey on the tongue as their first taste of the real world I suppose.
You know my next question: Why? What's it supposed to do?
I've no idea.
Did you do it?
I did. I did it both times. I was very reluctant first time round but it was like well oh no it's supposed to be good luck more for the allergies and things like that you hear about giving honey at a very early age I mean I don't think it's recommended for the first six months, or it might even be twelve I'm not quite sure but then when your mum says, “Well you had it, your brother had it, your nephews have had it” and your mother-in-law says well her two had it as well then you just kind of go along with it, and you make sure it's the tiniest dot on their tongue. |
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Both of her babies became fussy at about three months of age which she thinks is because she didn't have enough milk. She felt like a failure.
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After about three months, I remember it was, it was Christmas Day, Boxing Day I felt my milk supply was going.
Why, what made you think that?
Because he was on, actually it was about a week or so before, as he was about three months old and I used to express every evening a bottle for him.
Why?
So that my husband could feed baby or if we wanted to go out my mother-in-law, father-in-law could feed baby and look after baby so every night I'd express a bottle for the next night which gave me a bit of space and I remember one night and I was struggling to express two ounces whereas previously I'd be able to express six or seven ounces and that to my mind I thought, “Ok something's not quite right” contacted the health visitor and they were like saying, “Oh well it's just probably the baby is feeding a lot more during the day and you've not got as much milk during the night, but carry on and your milk supply will come back” I remember persevering for about three weeks and I couldn't express more than, it was a struggle to express more than two ounces at a time and I remember over the Christmas period because I remember it being the four days bank holiday and not having anyone really to speak to Shivam was on my breast every hour nearly and he was gnawing at the breast as such because he, you knew he wasn't getting enough I remember digging out all my leaflets that I'd got from the hospital and my own personal leaflets, getting all the telephone numbers out and ringing people and everyone saying to me, “Just carry on as normal, it's fine your milk supply will come back” I think I persevered for another four weeks after that and nothing changed and then eventually I bought formula.
Do you have any sense of why that happened?
No.
How did you explain that to yourself? How do you explain it now?
I was distraught I, well at first I thought, that baby didn't want to be fed but then from speaking to other people 'cause he was actually pulling at the breast and gnawing at the breast it was as if, well no he does actually want to be fed I felt like a failure it was horrible 'cause he was just about four weeks, four months stage when I bought my first packet of formula milk for him and all my friends around me had breastfed for so much longer and I thought I really wanted to breastfeed longer and there is nothing. I'd not planned to go back to work for a long time I was going to take the full twelve months maternity, there is no reason for me to stop breastfeeding but it felt as if I had to so I was I was very upset and buying that first packet of formula and giving that first bottle was horrible, I didn't enjoy it at all but he took it fine and he was very happy which kind of made me feel better and the stress went as well but at least he's fed but I wasn't happy about it.
Where do you think that feeling of feeling a failure came from?
As soon as you fall pregnant you start getting leaflets about breastfeeding that it's the best thing you can do for your child and not doing it felt to me not doing breastfeeding was becoming a failure and knowing that friends around me had breastfed for longer it meant that I wasn't reaching the benchmark of what everybody else had done I mean that's what hurt, but it's everywhere as soon as you go into hospital there's leaflets and posters up about breastfeeding and, “breast is best” everywhere so if you don't do it you are deemed as a failure, that's what I thought anyway.
Did that come from yourself no did anybody point the figure at you?
No, not at all.
So it was totally internal yeah.
I mean my mother-in-law hadn't breastfed either of her children purely for the culture, I mean both children were born here but in the environment she was in and the culture at the time, it was like well bottle is easier, I mean this is a good thirty years ago and breastfeeding wasn't so hot a topic as it is now and for her right from the beginning she was, “Well don't worry” and there was a lot of support there but no nobody said to me, “But you're a failure or” [laughs] or used those such words, it was just myself.
You still regret it, don't you?
Yeah, very much so.
What about your milk at that stage? Did you have, did it build up, Did your breasts become full?
No, it stopped, straight away really which is another reason why, being a health professional myself and speaking to other health it's always of the milk supply, is supply and demand if baby is feeding the milk will continue I really believe that my milk supply stopped my mum said it happened to her and that's why she stopped breastfeeding all three of us but there was nothing I could do, I couldn't express more, I couldn't get baby on more but my milk wasn't coming through. I knew it wasn't coming through and when I, from the, last time I fed my child, my eldest child I don't even remember breasts getting full even for the first day which was what I was expecting would happen but it never happened which made me even more inclined to think no I didn't have a milk supply by that point so I wasn't uncomfortable at all, it just stopped.
Yeah and the second time I feel I'm going through the same phase again because I'm coming up to three and a half months with this baby and I feel as if I'm getting the same signs again, of not enough milk supply but I'm trying to persevere a little bit longer just in case I was wrong the first time around and I need to get baby latched on a little bit more to get more of milk supply coming through I'll give it another week.
Have you got anybody to talk to?
Friends and family and the health visitor's very good in our area as well, but apart from that and I've got all the numbers as well the La Leche League and various other ones.
Is there a lactation consultant in the area or a breastfeeding clinic?
Not that I know of. Not that I know of.
Right. So you feel as though your milk supply is going?
Yes.
You're trying to get the baby latched on as much as you can?
I am, yes.
Right and you're convinced that he's latched on properly?
Yes, I think so [laughs].
Are you feeding at night?
He wakes up once at night so I do feed during the night and that's one time that he actually feeds very well and during the day he seems miserable when he's attached to the breast now and that's what makes me think that he's not getting enough and he's not sleeping as well during the day as he used to.
Remember with your first baby you found lying down to feed was good for you?
Yes.
Have you tried that?
I do but, I'm just getting the same results during the day, even though I know I'm more relaxed but I am more, I think I'm more relaxed second time around than I was the first time and I think that's natural 'cause you think you know what you're doing the second time around and I'm trying to make sure that I am more relaxed so that 'cause I want to persevere with my breastfeeding longer, so I was hoping 'cause I didn't first time breastfeed for that long, the first time around I'd be able to do it the second time around so I'm even more determined as such but then I know the stress I also went through of making the decision of stopping breastfeeding and going on to formula, I don't want to put myself through that again because once, because the main concern for me as a mother is that my child is fed, and if that's through formula then so be it as long as baby is happy and I think I've stretched out that period of time for too long the first time round, made myself miserable about it, constantly thinking has he had enough, has he had enough? But when I put baby onto formula, and he drank the whole bottle, the relief that I felt was enormous it's just a whole weight off my shoulders oh gosh baby's fed it's okay. I don't want to go through that this time round so, it might be pessimistic saying, “Oh it might be just another week that I breastfeed for” but I don't want to go through all that stress again.
What's happening to his weight?
Weight gain is fine.
It doesn't add up, does it?
No [laughs]. Weight gain was fine last time around as well I don't know.
It seems to me like your babies have a fussy period at about three, three and a half months.
The symptoms are exactly the same this time around as they were last time. My only problem this time is that baby won't take a bottle in the normal conventional way of holding him, he'll really fuss and cry before he actually accepts a bottle now at which I've tried him a couple of times and whereas my first baby he wasn't bothered at all, giving him a bottle and he was happy giving him the breast he was ok.
So what are you going to do?
I've no idea.
Have you tried feeding through a cup?
A health visitor suggested it, I remember trying that with, I had well I had a first I think first time round you have lots of problems Shivam stopped feeding from a bottle as well in the end first time around, he stopped breastfeeding at about three and a half, four months and he took a bottle for about two weeks after that period and then after that he wouldn't take a bottle either which was the reason why I started weaning him 'cause the health visitor said to me that perhaps that he's ready for food now and doesn't want to drink milk so I started weaning him. I think he was about twenty twenty-one weeks so I couldn't wait for the six months period and since then up until he was probably about eight or nine months old, getting one bottle down him was a struggle and the only time he would take that bottle would be when he was asleep so I'd sleep feed him whenever I could, I'd go on journeys in the car with my husband so I could just feed him in the car so I didn't want to get to that stage again with this baby, but he won't take a bottle altogether at the moment so I might try a cup, but I tried going back to what you asked originally I tried a cup with the first baby and, it was a nightmare and I'm not really keen on starting that off again, I tried a cup, I tried a spoon and he just didn't like the taste of milk so I'm hoping, hoping the second baby is not like that. |
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As a health professional, she was aware of the advice about co-sleeping but decided to sleep with her babies because it was easier to breastfeed and settle them in the night.
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What about at night? What arrangements did you have for the night-time?
Again some midwives said to me and the health visitors said to me to wake him up during the night to feed which I did for about and I was setting because he slept through and wasn't bothered, I mean he'd go from a very young age from about eight / nine o'clock in the evening to eight / nine o'clock in the morning so the full twelve hours he'd discovered his thumb, so which was fantastic at the time for me so I'd have to set my alarm for every four hours to wake up throughout the night to feed him and then my mother-in-law, my mum and lots of friends and family were saying, “Oh you're stupid just let him sleep, if he's happy and content let him be” and I did that in the end.
You were so lucky to get a full night's sleep.
I know, I know, I was very lucky.
And did you have him in your room, in your bed?
Well we had a cot in our room but some nights I had him in my bed it was it was so much easier breastfeeding and letting him sleep with us and he settled so much quicker rather than getting him out of bed putting him into the cot and waking up again but he would sleep through either way.
How did you reconcile what you would have known as a health professional with sleeping with your baby in your bed and actually doing it?
As a health professional obviously it's a big no, you don't really recommend it, and at first it was, “No baby can't go in bed with us” I had a Moses basket to start off with in the room and then bought a bigger cot but eventually, I suppose looking for information on the internet there's lot of information about some, because we are a western country as such, it's not condoned to be ok but everywhere else around the world babies do sleep with their mothers and that gave me the satisfaction in saying, “Yes it's ok” and that's why I did it. Even though my own mum, even though she was brought up in India but she had her children in this country, babies always went in the cot she never slept with either of us but knowing other friends and families who've come from India it's like, “Well no babies sleep with mummy it's easier it's safer” and it was a totally different advice than you'd get here, which made me do it.
Yeah.
And then I was speaking to health professionals living in this country who do it as well, so it was like ok I'll do it as well.
Did you have the same sleeping arrangements for you and the baby second time round? Or did you just have the baby in the bed with you since you were the only one there?
Yeah, I, for the first three or four weeks baby was just with me, it was because he was crying a lot because of his colic or wind I'm not quite sure which one it was, he just settled so much quicker in bed with me and it was just easier so yeah, it wasn't an issue. The Moses basket went to waste [laughs] he didn't sleep in it at all. |
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With only a fourteen month gap, her older child was very distressed by the arrival of his baby brother.
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You spoke of the older child having problems with the younger baby, can you tell me what that was, describe it for me?
It all started, I stayed one night in hospital but the well no two nights second time round and, he arrived and on the Tuesday night, and I asked my husband to bring Shivam our older baby in on the Wednesday, so 'cause I knew we'd have lots of friends and family around afterwards, I wanted just to be us four and just enjoy that moment an, up until that point apparently Shivam had been quite happy at home without me not missing me at all, my husband brought him in, and I think it actually hit him that mummy hadn't been about when he actually saw me in the hospital bed and bless him he became really quiet, just came and laid in bed with me for about ten minutes, he didn't say a word, sucked his thumb then he seemed ok, showed him new baby, got him to hold new baby and all those nice little things, and we got some fantastic snaps out of if, and then the next day I came home, my mother-in-law went to pick Shivam up from nursery and she was, she went and picked him up and he was sitting in a corner by himself crying and, for a child who's never, he never cried, even as a baby, he just wasn't, he was very content very happy and she was, it broke her heart she said she saw him in the corner and you could tell he was thinking, and he was there crying and he came over to her and she was just, I've never seen him like that, and he must, it must have hit him that something had changed, a) that mummy wasn't there, he saw mummy yesterday with a diff, another baby and he was only fourteen months old as well you don't think they have that much understanding but he certainly did, came home and at first he was really excited because there's lots of balloons about and he was going wow, wow looking at everything and I think baby was asleep at this point really happy to see mum and then baby woke up, this was the first day we were home and he didn't want any of us to pick him up he was crying absolutely distraught, why is his grand-dad looking at him picking him up, why is mummy picking him up, why is mummy disappearing for an hour and a half at a time don't understand very upset very distraught it was very hard for the first ten days he took it very hard.
What could you do to ease it for him?
What we tried doing was at first I'd have Shivam sitting next to me whilst I was breastfeeding but then he'd want to sit with me and wouldn't let baby feed and then would end up crying and then baby would cry as well so that became distressing for me and I didn't feel as if I could give my all to breastfeeding baby at that point either and I'd find at that point actually I was clock watching I'd be thinking, “I need to get this over and done with” and it was horrible because I knew my other baby Shivam 'cause at fourteen months he's still a baby, to me he is he was crying downstairs and it was very distressing but the easiest option then for us was that I would go into a separate room where he couldn't see me feed, and couldn't see me holding baby and somebody else could play and give him attention and then, as soon as I'd finished breastfeeding, I'd hand baby over to somebody else either grandma or husband or grand-dad and then I would look after Shivam and give him his attention and his time and I think that kind of worked eventually.
Did you feel incredibly stretched?
Yes I remember one particular evening when I thought of, I thought he was over it, and the reason why he seemed better was that I eventually started breastfeeding in the same room. Once he'd calmed down and was happy, I would breastfeed in the same room, I wouldn't disappear and he was ok and then we had some friends and family over, and I went into the other room to feed, and for that split second he thought, “Mummy's gone” and he started crying, and it didn't matter who was going to pick him up he would not stop crying, baby wanted feeding, so he was crying, and they both wanted me [laughs] and I remember I started to cry as well there was nothing I could do both of them wanted me but I couldn't give myself to both of them and eventually, grandma took small baby Divam away from me she says, “Look, he'll be ok for five minutes I know he's crying I know he's hungry but we'll take him away for five minutes we'll calm him down, you calm Shivam down first, give him a little bit of five minutes time, time and attention, put him to bed and then come back to the other baby and that's what I had to do but yes, I felt very stretched, very it was very emotionally hard for those first few weeks especially when Shivam never cried before and he became a crier, very distressed, it was very hard to see. |
