There was a couple of nights when I, you know when my husband who hasn't got so much breastfeeding background, you know, [daughter] was awake quite a lot in the night and he said, “Oh, you know, well why did you why are you breastfeeding anyway, why don't you just bottle feed”, you know that kind of thing but he didn't really have a background in either way and the only background that he has is just through friends that he's seen so he's not really got any knowledge on it really [laughs] so but I talked my way out of that one and convinced him that he was talking rubbish and not me.
What did you say?
Actually, I think I got quite angry 'cause I think I was wound up at the time anyway because the baby was crying and, you know, distressed, and it wasn't down to breastfeeding, it was just down to, we're both over tired, we're not, you know, it is, only being back from hospital a couple of days, that kind of thing, just she wanted to be awake and I wanted to be asleep and I think I got quite snappy and basically said, “Breastfeeding is the only way [laughs] [daughter] you know this is the only thing I'm going to do, she is only so young, you know”, I mean I don't think I'd have ever been pushed into anything else but, you never know [laughs] so, yeah, but from there, I mean it wasn't plain sailing, I don't think either breast or bottle feeding ever is plain sailing 'cause babies have problems and it's not necessarily related to their feeding but they have problems.
Introducing a bottle was never an issue for us, it was never ever going to be an option, it wasn't something that I ever considered and I know that my, the things that my husband missed out on when she was very, very young was not the feeding, I could feed and he could do everything else and had I let him I think he quite willingly would have done everything else but, no [laughs] we never really communicated enough right at first I mean up to about six months after that, we kind of worked our way around everything but, he never missed out on feeding her, and especially once she started solids, he realised that actually it was a chore for him and he really could have done without it and we started solids, just finger foods we never spoon fed [daughter] so obviously for the first couple of months, may be months, may be weeks, the food that had started on the table ended up on the floor and he used to say things like, “Well, I'll just cut the middle man out and throw it straight on the floor” you know so, he realised actually how much he didn't miss out on her on the feeding thing and then, and after a couple of months he took advantage of the fact that I was breastfeeding and that I, it was a huge comfort for [daughter] and it wasn't just food and if she fell over or she cried and he felt difficult in that situation then he would hand her back, you know, “She needs, she needs food” and it, and it would calm her down straight away and she, you know and she was never a kind of crying baby, never, it wasn't ever something that you would say she was, 'cause.
So apart from that one time, he was totally supportive of the feeding, right behind you by the sound of it?
Yeah, I mean he, I think he was, he was a hundred per cent behind me doing what I wanted to do and if at any point I had felt uncomfortable about it, then I'm sure he would have, you know, weighed up the options with me but he, from an outsider point of view, because since then we've looked back and we've talked about you know what situations we were in and things and, I think the thing that he found hard was the fact that I didn't let him in enough, not anything to do with the feeding, you know just not enough playing with her, a lot of people don't realise that little new babies they play a lot but, you know it's just not something that people are aware of so. Had he played with her I think that's what he really missed out on, he never, I mean, at the time when he said something about you know breast or bottle feeding was the middle of the night and I think it was more for me than for our daughter and what, and what is best for her and I think had he thought about that decision, he you know he would have um'ed and ah'ed over it and said actually may be no it's not the right thing but he was fairly supportive, he was fairly supportive, I don't think that he missed out on the feeding side at all I really don't think he was affected by that 'cause he really saw, once she started to grow up, he saw the opportunity to bond with her in so many other ways, you know.
Such as?
And different things become fun like bathing, bathing was a huge thing, I mean he loved bathing her, it was a real time when you can visibly see that she is enjoying it and she's playing and there's a lot of eye contact and he's constantly watching her, to make sure, you know that she's ok and she's not, her head's not going under and things like that, and she's constantly watching him for reassurance that he's going to be there and I think that was a huge bonding experience for her, and him and from then on and once he started to bath her, he the whole relationship between them became a lot easier I think it was, I don't think he's as aware you know he doesn't look in depth as much into relationships and things like that, I think, overall the relationships that were affected was me watching my husband and my daughter bond, it was really hard for me 'cause it was almost like I have to let this happen, I have to, let other people you know, play with her and bond with her and things like that.
How did you deal with it?
I dealt with it by, firstly ignoring the fact that they were bonding and ignoring them but I actually found that that wasn't helping me at all and it was a relationship that I always knew that was happening and then by, becoming part of it and to make, and to make sure that he didn't feel that I was pushing my way in, I had to let him be part of all the things that I did with her and so, while bathing and things like that, I could be there I could take pictures or I could shampoo her hair and things like that and she, he still got all the bonding time but I didn't feel like I was being pushed out or having my baby taken away or anything like that so.
Did you have anybody to talk to about that at the time?
Actually, I talked to another [La Leche] Leader about, our kind of, our relationship and letting the father bond and things like that and, there was a book that I read called, I think I just read the first part of it and it's called, “Becoming a Father” and it was quite interesting about how fathers bond with their babies and things like that and how important that relationship is too. And, although it's kind of a book that's mainly aimed at fathers, it was more of a benefit to me than it was to my husband so, I read that and I talked to another Leader who actually doesn't have a partner so is you know a single mum, but she was talking about you know watching other people bond with her baby because obviously she had that time all to herself for a long time and watching other people bond with her baby that she wasn't as close to, was really hard for her and just talking it over with her really helped. |
