A few weeks ago, and I can't remember what brought it on, I suddenly started to think about [name] as he used to be and he used to think, and I started to think what a smashing chap he was. I met him in later life; I had already been separated from my husband about three years. He had been separated from his wife about twelve years. And I met him by chance. I actually was a Special Constable [place] when I moved into [town] and he came to interview me. And I remember thinking 'Oh, I like him, but I bet he's married!' Well he was, but he was separated.
And I started to think back to those days and I thought, yes, that was what this man was really like. And I started, I started to write the story on the computer because I thought every day now I'm confronted with this, a man who is restless, who has his, his horizons have been completely closed in, through no fault of his own and this is what I'm aware of at the moment, this is how I'm judging him.
But if I look back and remember how he was, that was the man he used to be and that's the real man, that's the real [name], and I started writing it down on the computer, my memories of his and my relationship. And I found that helped a lot. Because I was not just focusing on what he is now but what was and what could have been, and what should have been if everything had gone you know, normally.
So that was a turning point.
I think also, the psychiatric nurse came to see me two or three weeks ago and I was talking about going, going to London to Christmas, I was so indecisive about it that I phoned her up and said 'Please come and talk to me about it because I feel I need to go for my children's sake and my own sake, but I feel so guilty.'
And she came and she, amongst other things she said 'There's an awful lot of people living on their own with dementia,' and she said 'they, some of them are living in squalor and they've got nobody to look after them except carers who go in.' and after she'd gone I thought, yes she's right, so really he's very lucky. He's got somebody here who's looking after him all the time. All his needs are catered for, so why should I feel guilty going and having a few days out. And that was a bit of a turning point, that sort of jolted me back into thinking, well maybe you're doing too much for him.