When I know I'm not going to be able to cope with life any more, the pain is bad now, I'm on morphine, I get a lot of break through pain. When I get to the pitch where I really can't cope with anything any more, where my quality of life is totally gone, I will tell my husband I want a really good day out with the kids, which is when he'll know that when I go to bed that night I won't wake up the next morning.
Because you're going to take control?
Yes.
Have you talked to anyone else about that?
Yes I've talked to my GP about it. He wishes I lived in another country because that decision would be helped.
Mmm. This is something I talked about to your friend this morning, and we talked about the Government's national policy on it,
Yes
On assisted suicide and euthanasia,
Yes
And how there's a lot of debate at the moment about this,
Yes
And I wondered like if you were in control of legislation what would you say should happen?
It has to be really carefully dealt with. I think that you have to really look into it seriously, whether this is the right thing for the right person because I think there is the risk it might be abused. But with myself if the legislation was there then it would be nicer for me so I'm not on my own which I know I will be because I don't want any of the family here when it happens.
Why don't you want anyone with you?
Because I don't want them involved, I don't want them to get in trouble.
You don't want them to get into trouble?
No. Which is a tough one.
Mm
But I shall concentrate on the day we've had out beforehand.
Will you explain it to them in a letter or...
I've done it already yes. I've already written a poem to be read out at my funeral. I've written a letter to both my children. In the letter I've told them if they've ever been angry with me and they're feeling guilty please don't because it's no more angry than I felt at myself. I've given them permission to be cross at the end which I think is going to be important for them because they will be angry, they will be cross. They'll be hurt, they'll want to know, they'll be in denial that it's happened.
You've thought about it so deeply and so thoroughly haven't you?
Yes I've, I have because I wanted to stay in control.
Well thank you for telling me all that because it's such an important,
Yes
Aspect of everything isn't it?
Yes, yes
And anybody like me tries with difficulty to put myself in your shoes.
Mm
No one can but respect what you said.
Yes. I think if some of these ministers and politicians who are against euthanasia, I often wonder if it was their life or their wife or mother how they'd feel then. I don't like my children seeing me in pain because it upsets them. I don't like being in pain but I have to cope with it. The one part I hate about being in pain is I get short tempered sometimes and it worries me if I've snapped at somebody. |
