I mean, I think we had about ten, fifteen minutes to play with or something, you know, maybe a bit longer than that, but obviously if we were going to be caught in traffic we thought ‘oh we’re not gonna make it in time’, and the headmaster had gone and got the kids, and we were in the headmaster’s room and he gave me a hug and said he was sorry and, and, and he said, “Are you ready?.” For, you know, for the kids to come out and I’d said, “Yeah.” And the kids just walked through and, the head teacher’s there, my friend was there, the policeman was there, although they were at another part of the room.

Mmm.

They gave me time to just, you know, just say to the kids and I just said, you know, I says, “You’re dad’s dead,” and that was it, really, came in and we sat for a while and obviously they, you know, we hugged and things like that, and we sat for a while and then we sort of thought ‘right well we better get, try and get back home before the rush, of the schools coming out’ and because obviously there was a police car sitting outside the school, it was a case of let’s get out quick, you know, get out quick and on our way home before school actually finished ‘cause otherwise that would’ve drawn attention to the kids that, you know, why are they going in a….[police car]

How old were the children?

Then they would have been fifteen and eleven.

And how did they react to this terrible news?

Just quiet, just quiet, and I didn’t actually tell them, my daughter did ask that night if dad had committed suicide, and, I just said, “You don’t need to know that.” You know, I says, “You don’t need to know anything about that yet.” I said, “Just.” You know I said, “Your dad’s died and that’s it.” And I can’t remember whether it was the next day, or the day after, it was probably the next day when people had been in touch and, obviously the head teachers from the schools had communicated and they’d sort of said, you know, “Should they really, the kids need to be told,” obviously, because of word had escaped somehow. And so I brought them into this room, obviously ‘cause there was lots of people still coming and going and my family from the north of England had come up, that night they were staying with me and they were all in and out, I just put the kids into this room and I just said, “Right.” I said, “I think you need to know.”

Mmm.

“You know that your dad committed suicide.” And, …my daughter just nodded her head and my son sort of said, “Well I gathered that.” And I sort of say, “You don’t need to know how.”

No.

But you need to know, you know, this is what’s happened, and they said, “Yeah okay.”

For other mothers in this situation you’d recommend being as honest as possible to your children?

Yes, yes, definitely. I think obviously it depends on age, it would depends on their age…

Mmm.

…but also because, …of the length of the illness that we had had, we had all suffered as the, as a family, and, we were always quite open, very open with the kids and, as soon as they were of an age, well they were old enough to sort of understand, they were both aware that their dad had had previous attempts before…

Mmm.

…and I also used that to try and explain as to why, mum perhaps, …maybe we overreact, I overreacted or I felt as though I had to give more attention to their dad, at times and I didn’t want them to think that was anything to do with them.

Mmm.

So from, I don’t know maybe about ten, ten-ish, nine-ish, ten-ish they sort of knew that, dad was dad, but, you know, there were times that things were a bit fraught in the family and I just had to reassure them that, you know, it had nothing to do with, you know, they weren’t the cause of it or anything like that, but I so wanted them to understand that you know? I had to focus on their dad at times and that sometimes they felt as though they were maybe, weren’t getting the attention that they should be getting but it seems to have worked okay, it seems that, you know, I think they’ve come out of it okay, touch wood I’m, I’m alright.