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• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> The funeral or commemoration >> The funeral or commemoration

The funeral or commemoration

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• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Pat - Interview 05 >> Pat regretted that our society has no mourning rituals. She wanted to drape her door in black and wail and express her anger, but felt it would be soc

In 2007 Pat’s son, Matthew, was killed when his motorbike hit a car that was turning right. The coroner concluded that it had been an accident. Pat was devastated. She has found support from family, friends, and through Cruse Bereavement Care.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a brother or a sister >> Tamsin - Interview 06 >> After Matthew died a local reporter asked the family for a draft article and a photo. Tamsin felt that this would tell people about the death and the

One day in 2007 Tamsin said goodbye to her brother. That evening Matthew died when his motorbike collided with a car. Tamsin was devastated. Her partner and her family support her but she misses Matthew dreadfully and the pain doesn’t get any easier.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a brother or a sister >> Julie - Interview 09 >> At first Julie did not want to talk to journalists, but a liaison officer advised them that it would be better to do an interview than avoid the media

In September 2006 Julie’s sister, Shirley, was murdered by Shirley’s ex-partner. She had suffered domestic violence for a while. Julie and the family were shocked. Julie now cares for Shirley’s son. She has been supported by her family and friends.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Rosemary - Interview 25 >> Soon after her son died in the London bombing in 2005 Rosemary went to see her local vicar. He was very supportive and helped her find a reason for li

Rosemary’s son, James, was killed in the 7th July bomb attack in London in 2005. The family was devastated. Rosemary found help via family, friends, and colleagues, and through a vicar and a psychotherapist, and by creating wonderful memorials for her son.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Peter - Interview 13 >> When Peter heard about his son’s death he went to church. He carried a bible in his van and read it at lunch time, but he didn’t attend church regular

In 2005 Peter’s son was killed in a car crash. Tim was only 19 when he died. He was in a car driven by a friend who was drunk. Peter and his wife have experienced a terrible loss. They comfort each other and do not want formal counselling.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> William - Interview 18 >> William saw his daughter at the hospital soon after her death. After the post-mortem, two days later, the undertaker brought her home. Lauren lay in h

In 2005 William’s 15 year old daughter, Lauren, was crossing a motorway and was hit by a lorry. She died almost immediately. William felt anger and guilt for not being able to protect her. He still misses her very much indeed.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Ann - Interview 24 >> Ann pressed the coroner to get her son’s body released. She had to wait three months, which was distressing. They had a High Church service, and then

In 2005 Ann’s son, Westley, was murdered. He was attacked by a man with a knife. Ann and her family were devastated. Ann started the organisation KnifeCrimes.org which supports other victims of crime and which aims prevent other knife attacks.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Carole - Interview 08 >> The defendant’s legal team wanted a second post-mortem. The police had to press the legal team to release Carole’s son’s body because a military funer

In November 2004 Carole’s 23 year old son was murdered by an ex-girlfriend. He was stabbed. Carole was devastated. She has found most help via family and friends and by running. She has also had counselling, arranged via work, which has helped.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Dorothy - Interview 28 >> The family had to wait eight weeks before Mark’s body was released for the funeral because the crown prosecutor could not decide whether to bring crim

In 2005 Dorothy’s son, Mark, was killed in an industrial incident. He was working in a waste and recycling plant. Dorothy was shocked and angry. Counselling, hypnotherapy and Compassionate Friends have helped.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Rachel - Interview 40 >> Before Rachel’s son died he had told Rachel what he wanted people to wear at his funeral and who should be pall bearers. His girlfriend and sister hel

Rachel’s son, Dave, served in the Paras before he joined a security company. In 2006 he was working in Iraq when he was killed by a bomb. Rachel was devastated. She has had counselling which has helped, but at times finds it hard to get on with her life.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a parent >> Karen - Interview 04 >> Karen chose the undertaker and planned a simple funeral. She knew her mother did not want a lavish event. Karen also asked other family members to mak

In 2007 Karen’s mother died when her house caught fire. It is unclear how the fire started, but the coroner decided it was an accidental death. Karen was shocked by her mother’s death. She has been helped and supported by her husband and his family.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a husband, wife or partner >> Nina - Interview 37 >> Nina and her children arranged a family funeral for Austen, and the BBC arranged a grand memorial service. Nina found the eulogies hard to bear but al

In 2002 Nina’s husband, Autsen, was killed in the Potters Bar rail crash. She was seriously hurt. Nina campaigned for compensation for the families of those who died. Nina misses her husband. She wrote the book “Dear Austen” to tell him what happened.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a husband, wife or partner >> Martin - Interview 10 >> During the funeral Martin gave an emotional talk about his wife and people were ‘crying their eyes out’. He was glad that he managed to do it.

Martin’s wife had a part time job as a lollypop lady. When she was standing on the pavement, she was hit by a bus, and died instantly. Martin was shocked. He is bringing up two children, which is a heavy responsibility. Counselling has helped him.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Terri - Interview 19 >> Ben had a ‘wonderful’ funeral. Over 500 people were in the church. Terri thinks that Ben would have been laughing because he had a police escort.

In 2003 Terri’s son was stabbed to death in his home. His grandmother was attacked too. Three men were involved in the attacks. Terri was away. News of her son’s death was very traumatic. Counselling, Compassionate Friends, family and friends have helped.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Patsy - Interview 21 >> Patsy was amazed to see how many young people packed the church. There were more people outside than inside. They had lovely music and various reading

In 1999 Patsy’s son, Dorrie, was shot. He died soon afterwards. Patsy was devastated, but through her belief in Jesus, her relationship with God, her work with Mothers Against Violence and other community work she has come to terms with Dorrie’s death.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a brother or a sister >> Erykah - Interview 22 >> After some delay Erykah’s brother’s body was brought home. He lay in an open coffin while people paid their respects, played Caribbean music and said

In 2002 Erykah’s brother was shot many times. His death was a terrible shock, and at first Erykah couldn’t believe it. Erykah’s faith keeps her strong. She has found support via the organisation, Mothers against Violence (MAV).

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Elizabeth - Interview 16 >> The family organised most of the funeral. Elizabeth and her other daughter dressed Marni, family and friends took her almost to the crematorium in the

In 2006 Elizabeth’s daughter, Marni, was killed when her car veered across the road and crashed into a lorry. The accident may have happened because Marni had a medical condition. Her death was a terrible shock. Elizabeth was devastated.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Dean - Interview 36 >> The family had a Hindu ceremony at home, conducted by a local Hindu priest, followed by a service in the local crematorium. The manager of the cremato

Dean’s son, Andrew, was killed in 2006. He was hit by a car which was driven by a man who was not insured and who was driving illegally. Dean felt shocked and devastated. He has found help via friends, family, RoadPeace, the Spirualist Church and others.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a husband, wife or partner >> Josefine - Interview 30 >> Josefine and her family acted as funeral directors. They had a daylong beautiful Quaker style ceremony on their own land to remember Nicholas. The nex

Josefine’s husband, Nicholas, was killed in a car accident in 2001. Josefine was shocked but understands that death is part of life. She arranged a ‘green funeral’ and buried Nicholas on her own land. She has had tremendous support from family and friends.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a parent >> Sally - Interview 14 >> The funeral director was very good. He helped Sally to choose a coffin. On the day of the funeral the staff walked before the hearse as a sign of resp

Sally’s mother died in 2007. Her flat caught fire, probably due to a cigarette which had not been put out. Her mother may have been a bit drowsy due to an overdose of pain killers, which may have led to the accident. Sally and her family were devastated.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Terri - Interview 19 >> There was lots of paper-work but the funeral director helped. He let her see Ben’s body when she wished. He helped with the words on the service sheet

In 2003 Terri’s son was stabbed to death in his home. His grandmother was attacked too. Three men were involved in the attacks. Terri was away. News of her son’s death was very traumatic. Counselling, Compassionate Friends, family and friends have helped.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> William - Interview 18 >> William wanted his daughter’s body to lie in an open coffin in her room until the day of the funeral. He asked the funeral director to apply a bit mor

In 2005 William’s 15 year old daughter, Lauren, was crossing a motorway and was hit by a lorry. She died almost immediately. William felt anger and guilt for not being able to protect her. He still misses her very much indeed.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a parent >> Sally - Interview 14 >> The funeral director was very good. He helped Sally to choose a coffin. On the day of the funeral the staff walked before the hearse as a sign of resp

Sally’s mother died in 2007. Her flat caught fire, probably due to a cigarette which had not been put out. Her mother may have been a bit drowsy due to an overdose of pain killers, which may have led to the accident. Sally and her family were devastated.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a husband, wife or partner >> Josefine - Interview 30 >> Josefine and her family acted as funeral directors. They had a daylong beautiful Quaker style ceremony on their own land to remember Nicholas. The nex

Josefine’s husband, Nicholas, was killed in a car accident in 2001. Josefine was shocked but understands that death is part of life. She arranged a ‘green funeral’ and buried Nicholas on her own land. She has had tremendous support from family and friends.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Elizabeth - Interview 16 >> The family organised most of the funeral. Elizabeth and her other daughter dressed Marni, family and friends took her almost to the crematorium in the

In 2006 Elizabeth’s daughter, Marni, was killed when her car veered across the road and crashed into a lorry. The accident may have happened because Marni had a medical condition. Her death was a terrible shock. Elizabeth was devastated.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a husband, wife or partner >> Josefine - Interview 30 >> Josefine thinks funeral directors should tell families that they can choose whatever they wish for the funeral and that they have a right to do things

Josefine’s husband, Nicholas, was killed in a car accident in 2001. Josefine was shocked but understands that death is part of life. She arranged a ‘green funeral’ and buried Nicholas on her own land. She has had tremendous support from family and friends.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a parent >> Michelle - Interview 41 >> The family put up a lovely headstone in memory of Michelle’s mother. They also commissioned a bird bath for church grounds, with an inscription.

In 2005 Michelle’s mother was murdered. She was stabbed. Michelle was shocked and horrified. She has found help through friends, family, a community psychiatric nurse, a psychologist, a homeopath (privately), a medium and by writing about what happened.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> The role of the funeral director >> The role of the funeral director

The role of the funeral director

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a parent >> Karen - Interview 04 >> Karen chose the undertaker and planned a simple funeral. She knew her mother did not want a lavish event. Karen also asked other family members to mak

In 2007 Karen’s mother died when her house caught fire. It is unclear how the fire started, but the coroner decided it was an accidental death. Karen was shocked by her mother’s death. She has been helped and supported by her husband and his family.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Pat - Interview 05 >> Pat was upset by the brusque manner of some of the funeral directors she phoned. She was also upset because the funeral director had not invited her t

In 2007 Pat’s son, Matthew, was killed when his motorbike hit a car that was turning right. The coroner concluded that it had been an accident. Pat was devastated. She has found support from family, friends, and through Cruse Bereavement Care.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Carole - Interview 08 >> The military chose a funeral director who was sensitive and kind. Carole said he drove miles to collect their son’s body.

In November 2004 Carole’s 23 year old son was murdered by an ex-girlfriend. He was stabbed. Carole was devastated. She has found most help via family and friends and by running. She has also had counselling, arranged via work, which has helped.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a child >> Rachel - Interview 40 >> Rachel found the funeral director helpful. He asked her if she would like to have a lock of Dave’s hair. Dave was dressed in an Arsenal football shirt

Rachel’s son, Dave, served in the Paras before he joined a security company. In 2006 he was working in Iraq when he was killed by a bomb. Rachel was devastated. She has had counselling which has helped, but at times finds it hard to get on with her life.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Lost a husband, wife or partner >> Josefine - Interview 30 >> Josefine thinks that funeral directors should tell families that they can choose what ever they wish for the funeral and that they have a right to do

Josefine’s husband, Nicholas, was killed in a car accident in 2001. Josefine was shocked but understands that death is part of life. She arranged a ‘green funeral’ and buried Nicholas on her own land. She has had tremendous support from family and friends.

• Dying & bereavement >> Bereavement due to traumatic death >> Viewing the body >> Viewing the body

Viewing the body