Yes well … I mean the only merciful thing for me … I mean the shock because I had no idea that she … I mean if I’d thought in my wildest dreams that she might shoot herself I would not have allowed a gun in the house obviously.

Hmm.

But she’d grown up with a family that shoots and therefore it’s just part of gun cabinets, you know approved gun cabinets in approved places have always been in this house.  I think … so when I actually found her, when I thought she was going to be playing her guitar, with a gun …with the gun lying on the floor … mercifully, mercifully she was face down. But I think it happened literally thirty seconds before I found her, because actually afterward my cleaning lady said she had heard a bang. But you know hadn’t thought anything of it. And it was in the attic so three floors up. And because it was literally half, half a minute or something, I think she had looked out of her bedroom in the attic seen me coming out of the office and thought, quick, help, panic … got to do it now. This was on a Tuesday.

On the Saturday before she looked at me with her gray, gray face and said, “I nearly did it yesterday, mum.” And I said, “Did what Rose? What?” And she said, “You know what.” And I said, “Well in that case you must tell me, you must tell me what you were going to do that you haven’t done.” But I mean she wasn’t stupid. I mean she knew … she was obviously planning to do it at some point so why would she say I was going to shoot myself because then I would’ve been able to stop her. But of course when I found her, because it was so soon after, there was no blood. Or I didn’t see it.

Hmm.

I didn’t see it. It must have been there and I didn’t see it. So I picked up her hand and of course it, of course it wasn’t … she hadn’t got rigor mortis from it because it was so soon.