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Was resigned to having no more treatment for her cancer recurrences.
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I don't know now whether there is any more treatment I could have. I did ask at the clinic and she said “there were various things but we'd have to weigh it up against quality of life and what you've been through already”, and I strongly believe in quality of life. I've seen people who possibly are terrified of dying, who go to any lengths of treatment to keep themselves going, and I don't feel like that.
I did feel a sort of responsibility towards my sister, and have had a talk with my local vicar about it, it's sort of the same as trying to stay alive for my son's wedding. But I realise I can't stay alive for everybody and everything, there's got be an end sometime. And so I'm going to be quite happy with what, if anything, they say when I go for another clinic. I think at the moment they are waiting for the CA125 to go rushing up, well I'm not sure from my previous experience that it's going to be like that. |
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Had several bowel blockages and eventually had an operation to remove the affected piece of bowel.
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Then at the end of August 2000 I had yet another bowel blockage and was taken into hospital as an emergency and the bowel was rested again. Each time I started gently on solid food the thing would happen again. I also had various tests to see if there was anything in my bowel or in my stomach, which I found very trying. In fact the last lot made me so ill that I thought that the sedatives or whatever they had given me must have caused that.
But I think the people at the cancer hospital then decided that things had gone far enough and that I should have a bowel bypass operation. And that was a great shock because for the last 2 years before that when I'd gone for clinics and so on they'd mentioned about this operation and they'd present it, it as something extremely life-threatening which they definitely didn't want to do. So it was a sudden shock to find that it was going to happen in a few days time. But I suppose I was in a life-threatening position anyhow at that stage so they felt that the risk was worth it. |
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Had regular blood transfusions for her anaemia.
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And why do you need the transfusions now?
Well we think that it's the tumour that's bleeding and in fact it's, in a way, encouraging that it isn't happening as often as it did before, that I'm still not back to that stage that I was last year before I had the Taxol treatment, 'cos at that, at that point, no, before I had the bypass I was having to have it every 4-5 weeks, which was pretty frequent, and now I'm having it sort of 9, at 9 week intervals, something like that.
And as measured yesterday, again it, the haemoglobin wasn't terribly low. The first time we were actually on holiday and I don't know how I somehow got around. My husband didn't want me to go to clinic because he didn't want the holiday to be cancelled, but when I got back the oncologist took one look at me and he said 'You look awfully pale'. It got down to 6.5 whereas a normal reading is 10 plus, and I sort of felt peculiar and I thought 'Well maybe this is how it's going to be from now on in' not realising that it was, you know, acute anaemia. |
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During periods of remission she could never forget that the cancer could return.
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Well in one sense I feel that it's been quite a strain over the 10 years, because although I had quite long remissions, the cancer's always there in the background, and if people don't know until quite a late, late stage, they haven't got so much time to worry about it. Not that, you know, I've had it in my mind all the time, but you can't completely forget it. It's always there in your life. |
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Was surprised when asked where she wanted to die; it seemed too early to think about it.
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And once when I was in the hospital I talked to a nurse about the pain I was having and she suggested I got hold of the Macmillan nurse organisation who might have more idea of what to do. And that proved to be very successful and I was also asked to go to the local hospice and have a look round there, and found, as I'd found in the hospital, the people dealing with me incredibly kind and understanding. So that was a very positive experience, although I think my husband and I were both a little bit taken aback to be asked things like where did I want to end my days? And things like that. And we decided that we wouldn't have a full tour just at that time because it felt too early somehow. |
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Had talked with her husband and children about what would happen when she died.
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I think also it's lucky that, you know, we were retired when we did and we were very fortunate in that we could enjoy the retirement for quite a while. Both of us enjoyed the travelling and it's a great comfort now to look back on all those lovely memories, and I hope that once I've gone that he will be able to resume some of that and enjoy it again. We've talked about, you know, what happens when I do go. I think we're both quite philosophical about things like that. I think it upsets the children a bit when we talk, but between ourselves we don't find any difficulty in talking about it. |
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Her husband continued to go out to play bridge twice a week as a break from his caring responsibilities.
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My husband has been absolutely tremendous. He says the one thing that he needs to keep going is his great hobby of bridge. So he goes out about twice a week in the evening to play bridge, lately as I've got slightly worse the children have sometimes come round to keep me company, both of them live quite close to here. But I don't want to impose too much on their lives either. 'Cos they've got their own lives. I think it's only once that I was in such terrible pain that he didn't go, but normally I'm quite happy to be on my own, and I'm very lucky that he's a very good cook, I persuaded him that, you know, with all the jobs that he now realises did take up a lot more of my time than he realised, we do have help in the house with the cleaning and so on every fortnight but it took him quite a long time to accept that. |
