It's very hard because I was only 16 and I didn't know what depression was. I mean depression's kind of strange, I don't know. I mean there was one, I think there was one period I just was depressed, I was just so depressed I couldn't stop it. I mean it was just one episode that I was depressed in. I was depressed after my therapy but during my therapy there was this one, I think it was the fourth episode, that I was depressed, I became depressed, it was, it's a weird thing, depression's like you can't… Like now I can sit and watch the television and be quite happy about watching the television, I quite enjoy it, get home and kind of look forward to getting home. I look forward to taking my socks off and going to bed, that's my… feeling on my feet and that's nice, little things like that are nice, little things like stroking my dog or talking to a friend or driving my car or something, its nice, it's a nice feeling. And you get kind of a buzz from it, you get a buzz from eating, you get a buzz from eating chocolate, you get a buzz, you know, just sort of like nice things, the sun coming out: that's nice, that's happy. But when you're depressed these things don't do anything for you, they don't, they just, there's nothing, it's just everything's, I don't want to be a cliché and say everything's black, but nothing does, nothing gives you kind of…
Pleasure?
Yeah, there's no stimulation from anything, you don't get stimulation and the stimulation that you normally get from, I mean because when you're not depressed you can sit in a room and just, you'd be quite happy to sit in a room and just wait half an hour, but sitting in a room and actually, and not having, not any, and sitting in a room when you're depressed is the most, is awful because it feels as though… I suppose the way I used to think about it is like all my, like when I wasn't depressed all my senses were sort of out. So like things that I did externally, they kind of gave me pleasure.
Uh hmm.
Like just talking to people or just making jokes or just talking to people who are just like the tea lady or something, just talking to people made me laugh, it made me happy because I could feel things. But when I was depressed all my senses were inwards and there was nothing in me that could make me happy, so that it didn't matter what anyone else did outside, externally, anyone else did outside of my body and my head that would make me happy any more. And it was something I had to kind of almost, I felt as though all my feelings were sort of directed inside of me and I couldn't, and there was nothing in me to make me happy any more, there was nothing in me. That was very hard, a very hard period to go through.
I didn't refuse any medicines or anything, I didn't refuse anything but I just remember I felt as though my sort of soul and my kind of will to fight had just been, you know, the kind of fire had just been put out in me. I felt that for a while. I felt very low, very hard to, I couldn't bring myself to sort of cope with fighting this illness all the time. And it wasn't as though I just wanted to die or anything, I just couldn't do anything, I felt as though my heart had just stopped going in to this, you know, my kind of drive had stopped.
But I remember being like that for a week or two. That was quite bad. I remember being very, and as though every minute took hours to get through and there's no, nothing, not even getting better would make me happy. Nothing could make me happy because everything was, there was nothing. |
