And that was the way I was. And then I come back here to home and I just sit and I'd cry. So then the depression set in. So I was coping with the arthritis and trying to cope with this depression at the same time. And I wasn't sort of getting anywhere and I, at, at one stage it was so bad I thought, “Well if this is what's going to happen to me, and if nothing else is going to happen to me, what's the use of going on?”. I did seriously think about ending it all at one stage, that's how depressed it got me.
It sort of all hit home to me then, you know that I did have this and I was terribly worried about it. I really let it get hold of me actually you know it took a big hold of me you know it did it sort of it was trying to swallow me up and I thought “Oh God, if I don't do something, I'm just going to die”. And I knew I was going to die, I knew, if I didn't die I do it myself, I was that determined, I thought “No this is not for me, this is not, this is not the life I want for me”, you know and for others around me. That's what I kept thinking, I kept thinking God you know, I'm putting a burden on people I'm not going to be a burden to anybody you know and then gradually as I got on I sort of come to terms with it more.
And were you treated at all for your depression?
Yeah yeah I was I was treated for me depression with sleeping tablets mostly. My doctor was very good though at that time. She even actually got a lady doctor that used to work at the surgery and she knew a bit about Rheumatology and she knew how I was and she'd arranged for this lady to come and see me, and she, you know she looked at me and she said “Oh you really need to go on second line drugs”, and we went through it with her, and she went through everything with me. And she said to me “You will, you won't, you won't feel better next week”, she said “it takes twelve weeks, twelve weeks” she said at least to feel any relief from this certain drug that they were putting me on. |
