Yeah, just, the whole, I had the whole very, you know, I, you, you try to stay, you try to stay so positive but it's really hard because you, you, you've got it up here. You, your body just won't do it. So I did. And I, I'm not a, I, I'm one of those people that I, I, you know, I, I just go out, when I get down I do tend to get really down, you know. But it doesn't last long. But I just, that, that 6-8 weeks was a completely black area. You know, everything about me changed from what I was doing to how I was looking to how I was thinking. You know, I, instead of thinking, “Oh I'm just going to hit, just gonna go and put the kettle on” kind of thing, I'd have to think, “Can I go and put the kettle on?” So yeah it did make me de, depressed, very. Very depressed.
And did you know, sort of talk about it with your doctor or get any …
No, I, no …
…medication?
It's just, no, no. Just support but, you know, those closest to me were like, you know, “You, you, you can do it”. And I do remember seeing that girl that I was on about, she, she said to me that she'd, see that made me feel better as well because she said exactly the same thing. You know, she said she remembers sitting there, she, she remembers sit, sat there and she cried. And I remember doing exactly the same thing. Just sat, just sitting here and just thinking, you know, “Oh God, that's, that's it. I, I've got to the end of my road as it were. I can't go on like this. I don't want to go on like this.” So, just, oh it was horr, it was horrible. I really didn't want to do anything. I, and I'd never get as bad as, you know, take my own life as it were, but that's how you feel.
That's, that's the stage I was getting to. 'Cos I, I didn't know, I didn't know if I would get better. I didn't know if I'd be able to do the, you know, do the things I normally did. So that's, that doesn't help. And because there's no-one there, because it's, it might, it might be common but it's not something you really talk about. You don't, you know, the, the, the woman or the man three doors up, you know, “He's got rheumatoid arthritis, I'll just go and have a word with him”, you know. You don't do that. So there was no-one, you know, except for my husband and, and, you know, my mum and that. You know, my step-dad, there's, there was no-one I could really, you know, really say to them, and I, I could have gone to my doctor's but I, 'cos I tried, I tried to fight, I tried to fight against it. |
