If we go back to the diagnosis then what did you think on that first diagnosis, the private one when you were told? Can you remember how you felt?
I remember feeling beforehand, sure of it. I mean it was something that I had sort of been aware of, for many, many, many, many years particularly in fact I was, there was a friend who I took issue with some of their behaviours and raised the issue with them, and they eventually said, “Oh well, you know, it is because I have Asperger's.” And I really over reacted I was very much of the well, you know, I am sorry, you are not going to get that as an excuse. It just means you have to try harder, you know, and I was really sort of quite rude, went completely over the top about it. And then sort of basically didn’t speak for like about four years.
And I think sort of going for the diagnosis, more than anything, was for my own, hm, it was really sort of something I needed on sort of a personal level, as sort of a further step to accepting this is how things are. This is the problem. You know, you can’t sort of pretend that there are no problems going on here. You do have issues with these sort of social things, you know, it is a problem, you know, doing this sort of normal nine to five job, and commuting and such. You know, lots of millions of people all around the world do this successfully, why is it particularly you have a problem with it?
And I felt that I needed the diagnosis more for sort of my own sort of personal growth then anything else and I did worry for, you know, weeks and weeks beforehand, “Oh my what if, they come out and say, you know, you don’t.” And then it would sort of very much feel as though, “Oh it is just me. You know, I am just sort of a screw up. You know, I can’t sort of, you know, in my head, sort of use anything as an excuse. It is just all completely my fault. It is just me.” And so I sort of felt really as though I needed it just to kind of accept it, and relax and then to deal with it as an issue. And so when I got the diagnosis I kind of wasn’t really surprised. I was more relieved then anything else. You know, it was a, you know, I am not being a hypochondriac; it is not just something that is all in my head. You know, this is, you know, it is something real.
And I think also if I hadn’t sort of had the diagnosis, you know, I, I mean I would never sort of have come to this place, you know number six ‘blah’ ‘blah’ ‘blah’. You know I would never have pursued it or felt as though I kind of deserved any help with it. You know I felt I needed something on a bit of paper to say look this is real, this is official, you know, please, you know, be nice to me. Particularly sort of when the whole sort of process of going back to university. You know, now I have a bit of paper and I can sort of say, you know, please, can we not do this, can we do that, may be slightly differently. And I feel as though [5 sec pause] it is sort of allowed. I think before, you know, I always felt as though I was some sort of charlatan, you known pretending there is something wrong and I think more than anything, it was just for my peace of mind.